Schrodinger’s Crush

Teenage crushes are the most innocent, pure ,cute kind of crushes. Not a day goes by without you thinking about them. You start addressing your things by their name. You start scribbling their names behind notebook. Social media passwords are after their name .

Recently I saw my social media password on my social media i.e. Instagram. It had been three years since I had met him. There it was in my ‘suggested for you’. His profile brought a lot of weird, awkward embarrassing flashbacks to mind. I changed my DP from Phoebe Waller-Bridge (Fleabag) having a cringe expression to me looking really sexy in an Indian outfit, basically a thirst trap. Didn’t get any responses for two weeks. Finally removed. Back to Phoebe waller-bridge. Few days later, I saw him on the story of a mutual friend’s birthday party. It was only guys thing so I wasn’t invited. Then I decided to finally the DM him . Just a how do you do. I ended up sending him a long paragraph that how I am not that creepy person anymore ,what was his relationship status etc. Next morning I checked my DM. No reply… I decided to unsend the message. I thought what was I trying to achieve. Maybe I thought I had a crush on this guy for 4 years. He was my first non celebrity crush and my second crush overall. First was Tobey Maguire ’cause of Spider-Man. I deserved closure but there’s no closure now. I’m stuck in Schrodinger’s cat like situation. May be he read it, may be he didn’t, maybe he read and chose to ignore. Who knows. Well I can only hope for his wellness and happiness. I hope somehow he finally realises what he lost. That’s too good to be true. Rom-coms did this to me. Just hoping for my perfect ending too. Real life is just Schrodinger’s cat-like situations.

If you have had similar experiences I would love to read them. Share them in the comments. Do hit like. Have a great day..:)

Word Vomit #1

Finally today Mumma exploded. She accused me of being a bad daughter. Which implied that I am a bad person and I don’t care about anyone. When I ate that chocolate that was meant for everyone. It felt really great. But It made my mother angry.I have had this habit of binge eating stealthily and secretly since I can remember. I think I was 10 years. for when I used to buy stuff from nearby shops when mumma papa were in the office. Junk Food made me happy because no one was there for me. I was sad lonely child. All my friends lived far, mumma papa were in the office, My bro.was too small and today I am 20 years old and still I have this habit. What would’ve happened if I would have been stopped at that very time . I still remember close time when I used to steal from mama papa wallet It wasn’t a very honorable thing but when I ate food chips chocolate I forgot about the wrong in the world. Today she said how hard they worked and I don’t understand the importance of that. Nobody understands more than me. I have been comprising my wishes and needs for awhile now. Mumma papa never asked why did I have this habit in the first place. They never talk to me about my fears and weaknesses. They always expect me to listen to them and I always do. I do make mistakes and I own this habit. I’m a whole different person. I’m uncontrollable. If I could I would’ve done it the very first time when I was told the same thing. One time when I ate all 10 packets of Potato chips and hid those wrappers in my bag. Chunnu aunt said I had someone come into the home and he kept those wrappers. I didn’t understand the context back then but I was 13 years old. I’ve never been treated my age. I’ve always been treated older. When I told mumma that I don’t want to grow up she made fun of me and said then get addmission in nursery class. Instead of comforting me and explaining that it is hard and it will get harder but she is with me every step of the way. Instead she chose to mock me. She considers mental health a joke.
These are crazy times , I have zero practical knowledge . Which organization would hire me. This fear is what leads me to eat more and more. Nobody never asks me how I feel or what are my thoughts. They just impose their own. And then I feel guilty for hurting them. They say that I’m the reason for their pain and suffering. I have been suffering for so long. Nobody sees that.
I’m privileged. I have food and shelter. I should be filled with gratitude. I am but I am filled with guilt and remorse.
I am not a bad person. Mumma papa feel that what is the need to eat secretly, haven’t they provided enough . Do I not have any shame? I am a disappointment .
I have nobody to talk to about this. I feel super lonely. I feel hate towards myself for hurting myself. I subject myself to places where a car or a truck would end up running over me and the pain will end. I just can’t hate myself anymore. I want happiness. I want to be happy not because of a meme or funny video. I want to be genuinely happy. I want to be one of those people who are grateful for every day not furious that f! another day. I want to thank the almighty for this life instead of cursing them. Today I say that I have Binge-Eating Disorder.That’s all. Peace.

Monologue 12 Pragmatism

Also known as the quality of being practical; A pragmatic person is the one who doesn’t believe in ideologies or principles and does what needs to be done. I don’t understand this trait. There are always laws,expectations interests to uphold. How does one free themselves from these? People who have seen political dramas like House of Cards , Sacred Games etc. will know that the protagonist’s storyline moves forward by being ruthlessly pragmatic. In the face of opportunity will you be an opportunist or will you be righteous. Do you really understand difference between right, wrong and ‘PRACTICAL’ . There are jobs like defence generals, scientists politicians, that require pragmatism to be a strong trait. You certainly want to be the one whose hunts and not the one who gets hunted. But will you have a choice? So what it’s gonna be: Mercy or No Mercy ; Forgiveness for Revenge; Trust or Betrayal…….

Monologue #11 Humour

Sarcasm is underrated. Ricky Gervais, a British Comedian, said and I quote ‘ If you think of something funny, say it, Win, lose or draw’. I think of funny things 90% of the time. If I try that people are gonna really hate me. Humour is an intellectual pursuit. It comes down to logic and analysis. As soon as it becomes emotional, it’s not comedy anymore. Jokes are supposed to make us forget our bad day. Taking them personally and getting offended isn’t going to help anybody. Please watch Brooklyn nine nine, it’s gonna make your life brighter and happier. Let’s just laugh a little and be happy, shouldn’t we?

Monologue #10 Obsession

Ancient humans were obsessed with the shape Circle. That is why orbits and other planets were assumed to be perfectly round. Later it was found that orbits were elliptical and planets were flat at poles. Maybe our obsession with illusion has damaged us emotionally. Our mind refuses to accept the’ not perfect’ and always heads for the most appeasing. whether it’s an obsession for a perfect body or a natural beauty standards we tend to lean towards the so-called perfect standard and lose what we actually have. Therefore of all human weaknesses obsession is the most dangerous and the silliest.

Monologue #9 Dominance and Humbleness

‘Survival of the fittest’ is old news. Now it’s ‘Survival of the smartest ‘ .True ! Isn’t it ? Smartness tends to dominate over everything else. All your weaknesses can be hidden if one is smart enough to hide them. Everyone submits their allegiance to smartest. Well, even the smart ones lose one thing when they are dominant, their politeness. They expect everyone to be submissive. It’s a fine line between consuming power and being consumed by power. So, as Kendrick Lamar says, just ‘Sit down ,Be Humble ‘.

Monologue #8 Validation

People don’t like being alone. I get it. Even when
were by ourselves. We crave some sort of connection or company. It’s why we check our phones dozens of times a day, and feel like our attention spans are dwindling by the moment. This is not simply
some existential issue where we just hate being alone. It’s an addiction to stimlation, one that takes us further away from the relationship that matters the most. The one with ourselves. We spend so much time in our heads. let’s make it a happy place. Don’t mean happy with forced positive thoughts. But happy because were comfortable in your own skin and enjoy the adventure of exploring all that’s in us.

Monologue #7 Bravery and Sacrifice

There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater. For Something that is too valuable to lose something that’s too precious to give away…….

Monologue #6 Light and Darkness

Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it. Same way you think your compassion and caring can make someone reciprocate the same but they have already have ways of shunning you ,hurting you and just taking you for granted. You just care about them so much that you can’t really leave but eventually they hemselves will leave you. It will be a frightening climax but atleast you will be free.

Monologue #5 Criticism

If you have finally come out of your illusions, there are also people who diminish you, who bring you in the reality .You will resist them. You will push them away but they will stick with you until you attain perfection . Just be patient and let them criticize you because they are the ones that will never ever leave your side even if you push them away. They will make you piece by piece a person who’s ready to face the world. Just let them do their work .